The Urge to Share
You see something amazing—a beautiful sunset, a funny moment, an incredible feat of athleticism. And your first instinct is to pull out your phone, take a picture or video, and share it with someone. "Did you see that?" you text your friend. "Look at this!" you post on social media. You can't just experience the moment; you need someone else to witness it, to validate it, to confirm that it was as amazing as you thought it was.
This is the "Did you see that?" reflex: the compulsive need to share our experiences with others, to have our lives witnessed, to have our moments validated. It's a universal human tendency, and it's been amplified by social media, which has made it easier than ever to share every moment of our lives with a global audience. But why do we have this reflex? What psychological need does it serve? And when does it become problematic?
Understanding the Witnessing Need
The Social Nature of Experience
Humans are social creatures, and our experiences are inherently social. We don't just experience things in isolation; we experience them in relation to others. When something good happens to us, we want to share it with others, because sharing amplifies the joy. When something bad happens to us, we want to share it with others, because sharing reduces the pain. This social nature of experience is deeply rooted in our psychology, and it's one of the reasons why we have the "Did you see that?" reflex.
Research has shown that sharing positive experiences with others increases our enjoyment of those experiences. When we tell someone about a good thing that happened to us, we relive the experience, and we feel the positive emotions all over again. This is called "capitalization," and it's one of the ways that sharing enhances our well-being.
The Validation Need
The "Did you see that?" reflex is also driven by a need for validation. When we experience something, we want to know that our experience is real, that it matters, that it's worthy of attention. By sharing our experience with others and getting a response—a like, a comment, a text back—we're getting validation that our experience was real, that it mattered, that it was worthy of attention.
This need for validation is not inherently bad. It's a normal human need, and it's one that helps us feel connected to others, feel seen, feel valued. But when the need for validation becomes compulsive, when we can't enjoy an experience without sharing it, when we're constantly seeking external validation to feel good about ourselves, it can become problematic.
The Narrative Need
Humans are also storytelling creatures. We make sense of our lives by creating narratives, by turning our experiences into stories. And stories need an audience. When we share our experiences with others, we're not just sharing facts; we're creating a narrative, a story about who we are, what we value, what our life is about.
The "Did you see that?" reflex is part of this narrative need. When we share our experiences, we're crafting a story about our lives, and we're inviting others to be part of that story. We're saying: "This is who I am. This is what I care about. This is what my life is about." And when others respond, they're confirming that our story is interesting, that it matters, that it's worthy of attention.
The Memory Function
Sharing our experiences also serves a memory function. When we share an experience with others, we're more likely to remember it. The act of telling the story, of putting it into words, of getting a response, helps to encode the memory more deeply. This is why we often remember the experiences we've shared more vividly than the experiences we've kept to ourselves.
In the age of social media, this memory function has been amplified. When we post a photo or a video, we're not just sharing it with others; we're creating a digital archive of our lives, a record of our experiences that we can look back on later. This archive can be valuable, but it can also create pressure to document every moment, to never let an experience go unshared.
The Psychology Behind the Reflex
The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
One of the psychological drivers of the "Did you see that?" reflex is the fear of missing out (FOMO). We're afraid that if we don't share our experiences, we'll miss out on the social validation, the connection, the attention that comes from sharing. We're afraid that if we don't post that photo, if we don't share that story, if we don't tell that joke, we'll be left out, forgotten, invisible.
FOMO is particularly intense in the age of social media, where we're constantly exposed to other people's shared experiences. We see their photos, their stories, their adventures, and we feel like we need to keep up, to share our own experiences, to prove that our lives are just as interesting, just as exciting, just as worthy of attention.
The Comparison Trap
The "Did you see that?" reflex is also fueled by comparison. We see other people sharing their experiences, and we compare our lives to theirs. We see their amazing vacations, their beautiful relationships, their exciting adventures, and we feel like our lives are boring, mundane, unworthy of sharing. So we share our own experiences, not because we genuinely want to, but because we feel like we need to, to prove that our lives are just as good as theirs.
This comparison trap is particularly toxic because it's based on incomplete information. We're comparing our behind-the-scenes reality to other people's highlight reels. We're comparing our ordinary moments to their extraordinary moments. And of course, we come up short. Everyone does.
The Identity Performance
Sharing our experiences is also a form of identity performance. When we share a photo of our vacation, we're not just sharing a photo; we're performing an identity—the identity of someone who travels, who has adventures, who lives an exciting life. When we share a story about our work, we're performing the identity of someone who is successful, who is ambitious, who is making a difference.
This identity performance is not inherently bad. It's a normal part of social interaction, and it's one of the ways that we communicate who we are to others. But when the performance becomes compulsive, when we're constantly curating our shared experiences to create a certain image, when we're more concerned with how our experiences look than with how they feel, it can become problematic.
The Dopamine Loop
Finally, the "Did you see that?" reflex is reinforced by a dopamine loop. When we share an experience and get a response—a like, a comment, a text back—our brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This dopamine hit feels good, and it reinforces the behavior, making us more likely to share again in the future.
This dopamine loop is particularly powerful in the age of social media, where the feedback is immediate, quantifiable, and public. We can see exactly how many people liked our post, how many people commented, how many people shared. This quantification makes the dopamine hit more intense, and it makes the behavior more addictive.
The Costs of the Reflex
Diminished Presence
One of the biggest costs of the "Did you see that?" reflex is that it diminishes our presence in the moment. When we're constantly thinking about how to capture the moment, how to share it, how to get a response, we're not fully present in the moment. We're not fully experiencing it, fully savoring it, fully living it. We're too busy documenting it, curating it, performing it.
This diminished presence can lead to a sense of emptiness, of disconnection, of missing out on our own lives. We're so busy sharing our experiences that we're not actually having them.
External Validation Dependency
The "Did you see that?" reflex can also create a dependency on external validation. When we're constantly seeking likes, comments, and shares to feel good about our experiences, we're outsourcing our self-worth to others. We're saying: "I can't feel good about this experience unless others validate it. I can't enjoy this moment unless others confirm that it was enjoyable."
This external validation dependency can be damaging, because it makes our well-being dependent on factors that are outside our control. If we post something and don't get the response we were hoping for, we feel bad. If we share an experience and no one seems to care, we feel invalidated. Our sense of self-worth becomes tied to other people's reactions, and that's a fragile foundation for well-being.
Curated Authenticity
The "Did you see that?" reflex can also lead to a form of curated authenticity, where we're constantly trying to appear authentic, spontaneous, and real, while actually carefully curating our shared experiences to create a certain image. We're not actually being authentic; we're performing authenticity.
This curated authenticity can be exhausting, because it requires constant effort, constant monitoring, constant performance. It can also be alienating, because it creates a gap between our public persona and our private self. We're showing the world a version of ourselves that is carefully crafted, and we're hiding the parts of ourselves that don't fit that image.
Missed Opportunities for Solitude
Finally, the "Did you see that?" reflex can cause us to miss opportunities for solitude, for reflection, for being alone with our thoughts and our experiences. When we're constantly sharing, we're never alone with our experiences. We're never given the opportunity to process them, to reflect on them, to integrate them into our lives in a meaningful way.
Solitude is not loneliness. It's a valuable state that allows us to connect with ourselves, to process our experiences, to gain perspective. And when we're constantly sharing, we're depriving ourselves of that valuable state.
Finding Balance
Practice Mindful Sharing
The goal is not to stop sharing entirely. Sharing is a valuable part of human connection, and it can enhance our experiences and our relationships. The goal is to practice mindful sharing—to share intentionally, not compulsively.
Before you share something, ask yourself: Why am I sharing this? Am I sharing it because I genuinely want to connect with others, or because I'm seeking validation? Am I sharing it because it's meaningful to me, or because I think it will make me look good? Am I sharing it to enhance my experience, or to distract myself from it?
These questions can help you distinguish between sharing that is authentic and sharing that is compulsive. They can help you share in a way that is intentional, meaningful, and fulfilling.
Savor Before You Share
Before you pull out your phone to capture a moment, take a moment to savor it. Be fully present in the experience. Notice the details, the sensations, the emotions. Let yourself feel the joy, the awe, the wonder. And then, if you still want to share it, share it. But don't let the impulse to share prevent you from fully experiencing the moment.
This practice of savoring before sharing can help you be more present in your experiences, and it can help you share in a way that is more authentic, more meaningful, and more fulfilling.
Create Sharing-Free Zones
Create some experiences that are just for you, that you don't share with anyone. Go for a walk without your phone. Have a meal without posting a photo. Watch a sunset without taking a picture. These sharing-free experiences can help you reconnect with yourself, with your experiences, with the joy of living without an audience.
These experiences can also help you remember that your life is valuable, even when no one is watching. Your experiences matter, even when no one is witnessing them. Your life is meaningful, even when no one is validating it.
Seek Internal Validation
Instead of seeking external validation, practice seeking internal validation. Ask yourself: How do I feel about this experience? What does it mean to me? Why is it important to me? These questions can help you validate your own experiences, without needing others to do it for you.
Internal validation is more sustainable than external validation, because it's not dependent on other people's reactions. It's based on your own values, your own feelings, your own sense of what matters. And it's something you can always access, regardless of how many likes or comments you get.
Be Selective About Your Audience
Instead of sharing everything with everyone, be selective about your audience. Share your most meaningful experiences with the people who matter most to you. Share your everyday moments with a smaller, more intimate group. Keep some experiences just for yourself.
This selectivity can help you share in a way that is more authentic, more meaningful, and more fulfilling. It can help you connect more deeply with the people who matter most, and it can help you create a sense of intimacy, of closeness, of real connection.
The Witnessed Life
The "Did you see that?" reflex is not inherently bad. It's a natural human tendency, and it serves important psychological and social functions. It helps us connect with others, it helps us validate our experiences, it helps us create meaning, it helps us remember.
But when the reflex becomes compulsive, when we can't enjoy an experience without sharing it, when we're constantly seeking external validation, when we're more concerned with how our experiences look than with how they feel, it can become problematic. It can diminish our presence, create external validation dependency, lead to curated authenticity, and cause us to miss opportunities for solitude and reflection.
The key is to find balance. To share intentionally, not compulsively. To savor before we share. To create some experiences that are just for us. To seek internal validation, not just external validation. To be selective about our audience.
When we find this balance, we can enjoy the benefits of sharing—connection, validation, meaning, memory—without the costs. We can live a life that is both witnessed and authentic, both shared and private, both public and personal.
And in the end, the most important witness to our lives is not our social media followers, our friends, or our family. It's ourselves. We are the ones who are living our lives, who are experiencing our moments, who are creating our stories. And if we can be present for those moments, if we can savor them, if we can validate them internally, then we don't need anyone else to witness them. They're already witnessed, by the most important witness of all: us.
