You are the fixer. The friend calls with the crisis. The sibling calls with the drama. The colleague calls with the problem. The partner calls with the complaint. And you fix. You advise. You solve. You rescue. The pattern is the source of one of the most under-recognized, and most under-discussed, psychological phenomena in modern life. The phenomenon is the fixer pattern, and the pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion, the chronic resentment, and the chronic sense of the never-quite-respected that are the foundation of one of the most under-developed, and most under-celebrated, character traits of mature adulthood.
The "fixer" detox is the practice of staying out of the other people's behavioral crises for a period of time, usually 30 days. The practice is the source of the self-awareness, the self-respect, and the meaningful engagement that are the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable relationships.
What the Fixer Pattern Is
The fixer pattern is the chronic, often unconscious, practice of taking responsibility for the other people's emotional, behavioral, and relational crises. The pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion, the chronic resentment, and the chronic sense of the never-quite-respected that are the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
Research on codependency by Melody Beattie and others has shown that the codependency is the source of the chronic over-responsibility for the other people's feelings, the other people's behaviors, and the other people's choices. The over-responsibility is the source of the chronic exhaustion, and the exhaustion is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
Research on helper syndrome by Helmut Kentenich and others has shown that the helper syndrome is the source of the chronic over-helping, the chronic over-giving, and the chronic over-responsibility. The over-responsibility is the source of the chronic exhaustion, and the exhaustion is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
Why the Pattern Is So Common
The fixer pattern is common for several reasons. The first is the family of origin. The family of origin is the source of the chronic over-responsibility, and the over-responsibility is the source of the chronic pattern. The pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion, and the exhaustion is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The second reason is the identity implication. The fixing is the source of the identity implication of the helpful, the needed, the valued. The implication is the source of the chronic pattern, and the pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion.
The third reason is the cultural narrative. The cultural narrative celebrates the "helper," the "savior," the "rescuer." The celebration is the source of the pressure, and the pressure is the source of the chronic pattern.
The fourth reason is the avoidance of the own work. The fixing is the source of the avoidance of the own work, and the avoidance is the source of the chronic pattern. The pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion, and the exhaustion is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
What the Pattern Reveals
The fixer pattern reveals several important things about the psychological life. The first is that the over-responsibility is the source of the disconnection. The over-responsibility is the source of the chronic disconnection from the own self, and the disconnection is the source of the cost. The cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The second is that the rescuing is the source of the enabling. The rescuing is the source of the chronic enabling, and the enabling is the source of the chronic disconnection from the other person's growth. The disconnection is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The third is that the the boundaries are the source of the respect. The boundaries are the source of the chronic respect from the other person, and the respect is the source of the meaningful relationship. The relationship is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
The fourth is that the the listening is more powerful than the fixing. The listening is the source of the chronic connection, and the connection is the source of the meaningful relationship. The relationship is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
The Cost of the Pattern
The cost of the fixer pattern is significant. The first cost is the cost to the energy. The chronic fixing is the source of the chronic energy depletion, and the depletion is the source of the cost. The cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The second cost is the cost to the relationships. The chronic fixing is the source of the chronic imbalance, the chronic resentment, and the chronic disconnection. The disconnection is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The third cost is the cost to the self. The chronic fixing is the source of the chronic erosion of the self, and the erosion is the source of the cost. The cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The fourth cost is the cost to the growth of the other. The chronic fixing is the source of the chronic stunting of the other person's growth, and the stunting is the source of the cost. The cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
How to Do the Fixer Detox
1. Notice the urge to fix. The notice is the source of the awareness, and the awareness is the foundation of the change. The notice is the source of the engagement, and the engagement is the foundation of the navigation.
2. Pause before responding. The pause is the source of the space between the stimulus and the response, and the space is the foundation of the navigation. The pause is the source of the engagement, and the engagement is the foundation of the navigation.
3. Ask the curious question, instead of giving the advice. The question is the source of the engagement with the other person, and the engagement is the source of the meaningful connection. The question is the source of the growth, and the growth is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
4. Practice the "I" statement about the capacity. The statement is the source of the engagement with the boundary, and the engagement is the foundation of the meaningful relationship. The statement is the source of the growth, and the growth is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
5. Hold the space, instead of filling the space. The holding is the source of the engagement with the other person, and the engagement is the source of the meaningful connection. The holding is the source of the growth, and the growth is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
6. Tolerate the discomfort of the not-fixing. The tolerance is the source of the engagement with the boundary, and the engagement is the foundation of the meaningful relationship. The tolerance is the source of the growth, and the growth is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more sustainable life.
7. Celebrate the boundaries. The celebration is the source of the reinforcement, and the reinforcement is the source of the motivation. The celebration is the source of the engagement, and the engagement is the foundation of the navigation.
When the Fixing Is the Right Move
It is important to say clearly: not all fixing is the source of the cost. Some fixing is the source of the genuine care, the genuine support, and the meaningful engagement. The honest self-inquiry is whether the fixing is the source of the genuine care, or whether the fixing is the source of the chronic pattern. The first is the source of the engagement, and the second is the source of the resistance.
The most common situations in which the fixing is the right move include the emergency, the explicit request, and the mutual support. Each situation is the source of the genuine care, and the care is the foundation of the meaningful relationship.
The Takeaway
The fixer pattern is one of the most under-recognized, and most under-discussed, psychological phenomena in modern life. The pattern is the source of the chronic exhaustion, the chronic resentment, and the chronic sense of the never-quite-respected. The cure is not to abandon the helping. The cure is to recognize the pattern, to do the detox, and to engage with the other person from a place of the respect rather than the rescue. The next time you feel the urge to fix, pause long enough to notice the urge, to ask the curious question, and to hold the space. The holding is the source of the engagement. The engagement is the source of the more meaningful, more respectful, more sustainable relationships.
