You are the backup. The plan. The maybe. The "let's see how it goes." The other person has options, and you are the option that is held in reserve. The reserve is the source of one of the most painful, and most under-discussed, psychological experiences in modern life. The experience is the "maybe" plan, and the plan is the source of the chronic anxiety, the self-doubt, and the relational erosion that are the foundation of the second-choice wound. The wound is real. The wound is significant. The wound is one of the most important, and most under-discussed, features of contemporary relationship culture.
The "maybe" plan is the relationship arrangement in which one person is the primary option, and the other person is the secondary, conditional, or contingent option. The arrangement is the source of one of the most significant, and most under-discussed, asymmetries in modern relationships. The asymmetry is the source of the pain, and the pain is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
What the "Maybe" Plan Is
The "maybe" plan is the relationship arrangement in which one person is held as the conditional, contingent, or backup option. The plan can take many forms, including the romantic partner who is keeping the options open, the friend who is only available when the other plans fall through, the professional contact who is only responsive when the other contacts are not productive, or the family member who is the recipient of the conditional attention. The form varies, and the structure is the same.
Research on relational uncertainty by Dale Berger and others has shown that the uncertainty about the status of the relationship is one of the strongest predictors of the relational anxiety, the dissatisfaction, and the erosion. The uncertainty is the source of the pain, and the pain is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
Research on attachment theory by John Bowlby and others has shown that the insecure attachment styles are particularly vulnerable to the chronic anxiety that is the source of the "maybe" plan experience. The vulnerability is the source of the pain, and the pain is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
Why the "Maybe" Plan Is So Painful
The "maybe" plan is painful for several reasons. The first is the self-worth implication. The plan implies that the person is not the first choice, and the implication is the source of the chronic self-doubt. The doubt is the source of the pain, and the pain is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
Research on self-esteem by Jennifer Crocker and others has shown that the chronic exposure to the conditional regard is one of the strongest predictors of the contingent self-worth, the chronic self-doubt, and the depression. The chronic exposure is the source of the pain, and the pain is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The second reason is the uncertainty. The plan is the source of the chronic uncertainty about the status, the future, and the value of the relationship. The uncertainty is the source of the chronic anxiety, and the anxiety is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The third reason is the power asymmetry. The plan is the source of the power asymmetry, in which the primary option has the power and the secondary option does not. The asymmetry is the source of the chronic frustration, and the frustration is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The fourth reason is the opportunity cost. The plan is the source of the opportunity cost, in which the person is unable to pursue the other options because of the commitment to the plan. The cost is the source of the chronic regret, and the regret is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The Common Forms of the "Maybe" Plan
The "maybe" plan takes many forms in modern life. The first is the romantic "maybe", the partner who is keeping the options open. The "maybe" is the source of the chronic anxiety, and the anxiety is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The second is the friendship "maybe", the friend who is only available when the other plans fall through. The "maybe" is the source of the chronic disappointment, and the disappointment is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The third is the professional "maybe", the job offer that is held in reserve, the client who is "still deciding," the partner who is "considering" the proposal. The "maybe" is the source of the chronic professional anxiety, and the anxiety is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The fourth is the family "maybe", the family member who is the recipient of the conditional attention. The "maybe" is the source of the chronic relational pain, and the pain is the source of the difficulty of the navigation.
The Cost of the "Maybe" Plan
The cost of the "maybe" plan is significant. The first cost is the cost to the self-worth. The plan is the source of the chronic self-doubt, and the doubt is the source of the cost.
The second cost is the cost to the mental health. The plan is the source of the chronic anxiety, the chronic depression, and the chronic stress. The chronic exposure is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The third cost is the cost to the relationships. The plan is the source of the chronic frustration, the chronic disappointment, and the chronic erosion. The exposure is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
The fourth cost is the cost to the life. The plan is the source of the chronic postponement of the full engagement with the life, the relationships, and the opportunities. The postponement is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the difficulty of the navigation.
How to Navigate the "Maybe" Plan
1. Recognize the plan explicitly. The first step is to recognize that the arrangement is the "maybe" plan, and that the arrangement is the source of the pain. The recognition is the foundation of the engagement, and the engagement is the source of the navigation.
2. Assess the cost-benefit ratio. The assessment is the source of the informed decision, and the decision is the foundation of the navigation. The assessment is the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
3. Communicate the need for clarity. The communication is the source of the explicit conversation, and the conversation is the foundation of the navigation. The communication is the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
4. Set the boundaries. The boundaries are the source of the protection of the self-worth, and the protection is the foundation of the navigation. The boundaries are the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
5. Be willing to walk away. The walking away is the source of the self-respect, and the self-respect is the foundation of the navigation. The walking away is the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
6. Cultivate the alternative options. The alternatives are the source of the empowerment, and the empowerment is the foundation of the navigation. The alternatives are the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
7. Be willing to be the first choice of someone else. The willingness is the source of the self-respect, and the self-respect is the foundation of the navigation. The willingness is the source of the clarity, and the clarity is the foundation of the navigation.
When the "Maybe" Plan Is the Right Choice
It is important to say clearly: not all "maybe" plans are the source of the pain. Some "maybe" plans are the source of the appropriate caution, the careful consideration, and the mature approach to the major life decisions. The honest self-inquiry is whether the plan is the source of the appropriate caution, or whether the plan is the source of the avoidance. The first is the source of the wisdom, and the second is the source of the cost.
The Takeaway
The "maybe" plan is one of the most painful, and most under-discussed, psychological experiences in modern life. The plan is the source of the chronic self-doubt, the chronic anxiety, and the chronic erosion. The plan is not always a sign of the personal failure. The plan is often a sign of the asymmetry, and the asymmetry is the source of the navigation. The next time you find yourself in the "maybe" plan, pause long enough to recognize the plan, to assess the cost-benefit ratio, to communicate the need for clarity, to set the boundaries, and to be willing to walk away. The walking away is the source of the self-respect. The self-respect is the foundation of the more meaningful, more authentic, more empowering life.
