You know that moment when you're in therapy or coaching, and it just... doesn't feel right? Or when you're trying to work on yourself, but it just... doesn't feel right? Yeah, that's your neuroticism talking.
In my twenty years of practice, I've sat across from hundreds of people who describe themselves as "terrible at therapy" or "terrible at coaching." They're not broken. They're not defective. They just have a brain that's wired differently. And in a world that celebrates one-size-fits-all therapy, that can feel like a flaw.
But here's what I've learned: neuroticism isn't a flaw in therapy or coaching. It's a trait. And when you learn to work with it instead of against it, something magical happens. You start to thrive in therapy or coaching. You start to thrive in therapy or coaching. You start to thrive instead of just surviving.
Let me tell you about my client Sarah. She came to me saying, "I'm terrible at therapy. I'm terrible at coaching. I just can't seem to make it work." Sound familiar?
Understanding Your Neurotic Brain
First, let's get clear on what we're talking about. High neuroticism is a personality trait that describes how sensitive you are to potential threats. It means your brain is wired to scan for danger. You notice things others miss. You feel things more deeply. You're more aware of what could go wrong.
But here's the thing: in therapy or coaching, high neuroticism can feel like a flaw. You're supposed to be calm. You're supposed to be relaxed. You're supposed to be "okay."
But here's the tricky part: when you have high neuroticism, that calm approach feels inauthentic. It feels like you're trying to be someone you're not. And when you try to be someone you're not, you're not at your best.
Pause & Reflect: Think about the last time you were in therapy or coaching. How did it feel? Did you feel like yourself, or did you feel like you were trying to be someone else? Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
The Blueprint Metaphor
Think of your therapy or coaching like a blueprint. When you have high neuroticism, your blueprint is different. Your blueprint is wired to scan for danger. Your blueprint is wired to scan for threats.
But here's the thing: that blueprint can feel like a problem. It can feel like you're not doing therapy or coaching right. It can feel like you're not doing it right.
I remember a client named Marcus who told me, "I'm terrible at therapy. I'm terrible at coaching. I just can't seem to make it work." That's the blueprint.
Why Your Brain Does This
Let me explain the neuroscience in simple terms. Your brain has a threat-detection system. When you perceive a threat, your brain releases stress hormones. Those hormones prepare you to fight or flee.
But here's the thing: when your threat-detection system goes into overdrive, it can turn trait anxiety into panic. It can turn a small trigger into a full-blown panic attack.
And here's the tricky part: you can't just "calm down." You can't just "stop worrying." You need to understand your triggers. You need to understand what turns your trait anxiety into panic.
The Four Types of Therapy or Coaching Toxins
1. Therapy or Coaching Avoidance
This is when you avoid therapy or coaching altogether. You're so afraid of therapy or coaching that you avoid it entirely. You don't go to therapy. You don't go to coaching. You just avoid it.
Examples:
- Avoiding therapy or coaching altogether
- Avoiding tough conversations in therapy or coaching
- Avoiding tough emotions in therapy or coaching
- Avoiding tough work in therapy or coaching
Pause & Reflect: Think about your therapy or coaching avoidance. What are you doing that's causing therapy or coaching avoidance? Write it down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
2. Therapy or Coaching Perfectionism
This is when you're a perfectionist about therapy or coaching. You want your therapy or coaching to be perfect. You want your therapy or coaching to be perfect before you start.
Examples:
- Wanting your therapy or coaching to be perfect before you start
- Wanting your therapy or coaching to be perfect before you share it
- Wanting your therapy or coaching to be perfect before you finish it
- Wanting your therapy or coaching to be perfect before you share it
Pause & Reflect: Think about your therapy or coaching perfectionism. What are you doing that's causing therapy or coaching perfectionism? Write it down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
3. Therapy or Coaching Comparison
This is when you compare your therapy or coaching to others. You compare your therapy or coaching to others' therapy or coaching. You compare your therapy or coaching to others' success.
Examples:
- Comparing your therapy or coaching to others' therapy or coaching
- Comparing your therapy or coaching to others' success
- Comparing your therapy or coaching to others' success and feeling inadequate
- Comparing your therapy or coaching to others' success and feeling inadequate
Pause & Reflect: Think about your therapy or coaching comparison. What are you doing that's causing therapy or coaching comparison? Write it down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
4. Therapy or Coaching Overwhelm
This is when you're overwhelmed by therapy or coaching. You're overwhelmed by the amount of work. You're overwhelmed by the amount of emotions. You're overwhelmed by the amount of change.
Examples:
- Being overwhelmed by the amount of work in therapy or coaching
- Being overwhelmed by the amount of emotions in therapy or coaching
- Being overwhelmed by the amount of change in therapy or coaching
- Being overwhelmed by the amount of work in therapy or coaching
Pause & Reflect: Think about your therapy or coaching overwhelm. What are you doing that's causing therapy or coaching overwhelm? Write it down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
The Blueprint Framework
Step 1: Identify Your Therapy or Coaching Toxins
The first step is to identify your therapy or coaching toxins. You need to know what's poisoning your therapy or coaching. You need to know what's poisoning your therapy or coaching.
Ask yourself:
- What am I doing that's causing therapy or coaching avoidance?
- What am I doing that's causing therapy or coaching perfectionism?
- What am I doing that's causing therapy or coaching comparison?
- What am I doing that's causing therapy or coaching overwhelm?
Pause & Reflect: Think about your therapy or coaching toxins. What are they? Write them down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
Step 2: Customize Your Therapy or Coaching
Once you've identified your therapy or coaching toxins, you need to customize your therapy or coaching. You need to customize your therapy or coaching to your personality. You need to customize your therapy or coaching to your neuroticism.
Example: Instead of avoiding therapy or coaching, customize it. Customize it to your personality. Customize it to your neuroticism.
This isn't being weak. It's being strategic. It's customizing your therapy or coaching.
Step 3: Build Coping Strategies
Once you've customized your therapy or coaching, you need to build coping strategies. You need to build coping strategies to manage your neuroticism. You need to build coping strategies to manage your anxiety.
Examples:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Grounding techniques
- Cognitive reframing
- Physical movement
- Talking to someone you trust
Pause & Reflect: Think about what coping strategies work for you. What helps you calm down? Write them down. Take ten seconds. Really think about it.
Step 4: Reflect and Adjust
Once you've built coping strategies, you need to reflect and adjust. You need to reflect on what worked and what didn't. You need to adjust as needed.
Example: At the end of each week, reflect on what worked and what didn't. Adjust as needed. Don't be afraid to change things up.
This isn't being weak. It's being strategic. It's adjusting as needed.
The Scripts That Actually Work
Let me give you some real, practical scripts you can use. These aren't perfect. They're not magic. But they're a starting point.
When You're Avoiding Therapy or Coaching
Instead of: "I can't do this. I'm too neurotic."
Try: "I'm avoiding therapy or coaching. That's okay. I'm going to customize it. I'm going to customize it to my personality. I'm going to customize it to my neuroticism."
You're not being weak. You're being strategic.
When You're Feeling Overwhelmed
Instead of: "I can't handle this. I'm too neurotic."
Try: "I'm overwhelmed. That's okay. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to take some time for myself. I'll be back."
You're not being weak. You're being strategic.
When You're Feeling Inadequate
Instead of: "I can't do this. I'm too neurotic."
Try: "I'm feeling inadequate. That's okay. I'm going to customize my therapy or coaching. I'm going to customize it to my personality. I'm going to customize it to my neuroticism."
You're not being weak. You're being strategic.
The Long Game
Customizing your therapy or coaching isn't a one-time thing. It's a practice. You'll have days where you're customized. You'll have days where you're not. You'll have days where you're somewhere in between.
That's okay. That's human.
What matters is that you keep showing up. That you keep customizing your therapy or coaching. That you keep building coping strategies.
Because here's the truth: your high neuroticism isn't a flaw in therapy or coaching. It's a trait. And when you learn to work with it, it becomes a strength. You become more customized. More effective. More fulfilled.
And that's a gift.
If this feels like a struggle you can't solve alone, it might be your unique wiring. High-neuroticism people often need specific strategies that honor their sensitivity while building effective therapy or coaching. Let's decode it together at MyTraitsLab.
