You will be happy when you get the promotion. You will be happy when you find the partner. You will be happy when you pay off the debt. You will be happy when the kids leave home. You will be happy when you retire. You will be happy when the project is finished. You will be happy when the book is written. You will be happy when you have saved enough. The list is long. The list is familiar. The list is also, in many ways, the source of the chronic, low-grade dissatisfaction that is the foundation of the modern experience. The list is the "wait list" life, and the life is one of the most under-recognized, and most personally costly, phenomena in modern life.
The "wait list" life is the chronic postponement of happiness to a future that, in most cases, does not arrive. The postponement is the source of the dissatisfaction, and the dissatisfaction is the source of the cost. The cost is real, and the cost is the foundation of the experience of meaninglessness that is one of the most significant features of contemporary life.
What the Wait List Life Is
The wait list life is the pattern of treating happiness as a destination that can be reached once the current obstacles are overcome. The obstacles are real, and the obstacles are the source of the legitimacy of the wait. The obstacles are also, in most cases, the source of the permanent postponement, and the postponement is the source of the chronic dissatisfaction.
Research on arrival fallacy by Tal Ben-Shahar has shown that the belief that achievement will produce lasting happiness is one of the most common, and most inaccurate, beliefs in modern life. The achievement does produce a temporary spike in happiness, but the spike is followed by a return to the baseline. The baseline is the source of the disappointment, and the disappointment is the source of the next item on the wait list.
Research on the hedonic treadmill has shown that the baseline is remarkably stable across major life events, both positive and negative. The stability is the source of the chronic dissatisfaction, and the dissatisfaction is the source of the wait list pattern.
Why the Wait List Pattern Is So Common
The wait list pattern is common for several reasons. The first is the cultural narrative. Modern culture tells us that happiness is a destination, and the destination is the source of the cultural reinforcement. The reinforcement is the source of the pattern.
The second is the comparison trap. The comparison to the people who appear to be at the destination is the source of the sense of being behind, and the sense of being behind is the source of the wait list pattern.
The third is the future discounting. The future is, in some ways, more available than the present. The future can be imagined, the future can be controlled, the future can be planned. The present is messier, less controllable, less plannable. The future discounting is the source of the wait list pattern.
The fourth is the identity deferral. The wait list pattern allows the person to defer the question of who they actually are. "I will know who I am when I get there." The deferral is comfortable, and the comfort is the source of the pattern.
The Costs of the Wait List Life
The costs of the wait list life are significant. The first cost is the cost of the present joy. The joy that is available in the present is being postponed, and the postponement is the source of the cost.
The second cost is the cost of the chronic dissatisfaction. The wait list pattern produces a chronic, low-grade dissatisfaction. The dissatisfaction is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the experience of meaninglessness.
The third cost is the cost of the missed engagement. The person who is waiting is not fully engaged with the present. The missed engagement is the source of the cost, and the cost is the foundation of the missed opportunities for the connection, the growth, and the meaning.
The fourth cost is the cost of the identity erosion. The person who is waiting is, in a sense, deferring the development of the identity. The deferral is the source of the erosion, and the erosion is the source of the cost.
The Future Does Not Exist
The most important thing to recognize about the wait list life is that the future, in the form in which the wait list depends on it, does not exist. The future is not a place that can be arrived at. The future is a series of present moments, each of which is, in itself, an opportunity for the engagement, the connection, and the meaning.
Research on mindfulness by Jon Kabat-Zinn and others has shown that the deliberate attention to the present moment is one of the strongest predictors of well-being, more than the future circumstances. The attention is the source of the well-being, and the well-being is the foundation of the meaningful life.
Research on positive psychology by Martin Seligman and others has shown that the most reliable predictors of well-being are the engagement, the meaning, the relationships, the accomplishment, and the positive emotion, all of which are available in the present moment. The availability is the source of the opportunity, and the opportunity is the foundation of the meaningful life.
How to Escape the Wait List
1. Notice the "when" language. The "when" language is the source of the pattern. The noticing is the source of the awareness, and the awareness is the foundation of the change.
2. Test the imagined future. For each item on the wait list, ask: if I arrived tomorrow, would I actually be happy, or would I add a new item to the list? The honest answer is the source of the awareness, and the awareness is the foundation of the change.
3. Find the joy in the current moment. The joy is available. The seeking is the source of the engagement, and the engagement is the source of the meaning.
4. Cultivate the gratitude for the present. The gratitude is the source of the well-being, and the well-being is the foundation of the meaningful life.
5. Engage with the current activities as if they were the destination. The engagement is the source of the meaning, and the meaning is the foundation of the change.
6. Practice the "arrival meditation." The meditation is the source of the recognition that the imagined future is not significantly different from the present. The recognition is the source of the change.
7. Build the meaning now. The meaning is not something that arrives. The meaning is something that is built, in the present, through the engagement, the relationships, and the contribution. The building is the source of the meaningful life.
The Reframe
The deepest change is the reframe. The person who has been "waiting" can become "living." The new identity is not less ambitious. The new identity is more engaged, and the engagement is the foundation of the meaningful life.
Research on the good life by positive psychologists has shown that the most sustainable source of well-being is the engagement with the present, the cultivation of the meaningful relationships, and the contribution to the things that matter. The engagement is the source of the well-being, and the well-being is the foundation of the meaningful life.
The Takeaway
The wait list life is one of the most under-recognized, and most personally costly, phenomena in modern life. The postponement is the source of the chronic dissatisfaction, and the dissatisfaction is the source of the experience of meaninglessness. The cure is not to abandon the goals. The cure is to recognize that the goals are not the source of the happiness, and that the happiness is available in the present, in the engagement, in the relationships, and in the contribution. The next time you find yourself saying "I will be happy when," pause long enough to ask: what if the present is the destination? The answer is the source of the engagement. The engagement is the source of the meaning. The meaning is the foundation of the more engaged, more meaningful, more alive life.
